Tuesday, 1st April, 2008

Definition of an Intellectual

  1. "An intellectual is someone, who, when left alone in a room with a tea-cosy, does not attempt to try it on." homer head radio
  2. "An intellectual is someone who hears the William Tell overture and doesn’t immediately wonder where Tonto has gone"

 

I can’t attribute either of these accurately, but they’ve been in circulation for a while. If anyone can provide chapter and verse on them, then I’d be glad to put in an attribution.

 

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Wednesday, 20th February, 2008

Call Centre Conversations

The source from which these came alleges that  they’re actual call centre conversations: I take this information with a pinch of salt, but they may amuse you in any case.  call centre

Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:      ‘I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
———————————————————————-
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ‘ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
———————————————————————-
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:          ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off’.
———————————————————————-
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
———————————————————————-
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:      ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:          ‘OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
———————————————————————-
Caller:  ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
———————————————————————- ——————————————-
There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ‘They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ‘Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ‘How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ‘Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
‘ Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ‘No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:  ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:           ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ‘Tell them you’re too ****** stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

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Sunday, 25th November, 2007

How to Deal with a Bad Day at Work

When you have an ‘I Hate My Job’ day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. thermometer

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ‘.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: 

"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."


 

 [If anyone can supply a reliable source for this item, I’ll happily put in an acknowledgement – Ludamus]

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Thursday, 15th November, 2007

Crocked

crocked

Crocodile Tears

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